Memo To The World

Just because I say it and I write it, it isn't always so.
To paraphase a quote by JC (and I don't mean Jarvis Cocker);
'Ask me and I'll tell you. Knock and I'll open up to you'

From now on, I will be known as Ms Under Stood- because I totally am.

To those who may be offended by my words I am sorry BUT if you want to know what I mean-ask me.
If you could hear my voice now, it is gentle and concise, not shouty and angry.

To those who think I have some sort of agenda, I don't. Perhaps you feel that by blogging this,
the lady doth protest too much. I'm not protesting, I'm blogging. Which is something I haven't done in a long time.

To those who feel I have wronged them, come forward and tell me so I have a right of reply and the chance to apologise. As far as I was aware, the Salem witch trials ended a long time ago. Please advise if they have started again so I can re apply my lippy before I'm burnt at the stake.

Freedom is blogging. Freedom is the right to say you hate me and my blog, go to your settings and deleting me.

I don't hate anyone and I am an open book. Be it embarrassing,drunken,all singing,all dancing- this is me for better or worse.

That's it.

Peace,love and sticky date pudding...x

Enough Already

I can't take it anymore. All the hoo har about Lara Bingle and Michael Clarke makes me want to grab a pick axe and place it in someone's spinal column.

Note to mainstream media - I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THOSE TWO PRETENTIOUS VACUOUS TWATS.

Do the news. Chile has had 2 after shocks. Place your focus there -on something that truly matters.

The Big O

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She's Just Not That Into You

Las chicas and myself were having a chat the other week about men and in particular-Australian men and the dodgy encounters we have had with them thus far in our lives. I can't speak for every woman on the planet but I can speak for myself and here are some of the things I've discovered in my time on the planet with said Aussie males;

• Australian men seem to have a deep insecurity about themselves which is always masked by a macho bravado. Instead of approaching a woman and simply introducing themselves, they generally come out with something insulting,cliched or just plain uninspired. When they don't get the desired result,the woman usually ends up on the receiving end of verbal abuse or insults (fucking dyke,you're a dog and I was hard up,etc etc.)
• Stalking a woman like prey all night whilst getting drunk and then expecting a result is just plain delusional. I was at a club one night and this guy seemed to be everywhere I was. After a few hours and much alcohol consumed, he approached me and said "So are we going home together or what?"I don't even remember my response- I just remember being horrified. I don't know what universe that line works in but perhaps the poor sod reads too many comics.
• Tell an Aussie male what you want and he does the complete opposite. Somehow I don't think reverse psychology works here either.
• Australian men don't talk about anything real. Conversation is banal and random. They need to discuss 'things' which generally don't involve any sort of personal feeling or emotion. If it's not about sport,cars or alcohol then they tend to be a bit lost.
• Australian men tend to have a pack mentality- told that Ed Hardy t shirts,jeans and thongs with a faux hawk hair do is the thing and they all do it. With mobile phone glued to their ear muttering 'schweet maaate' at intervals into the handset.
• Most Aussie men seem to be disconnected from their feelings. The macho bloke seems archaic in this day and age. Seeing packs of guys wandering around the city without girls cements this ideal- girls have wised up and won't take the shit anymore. I wish we were taught the 'smarten up or fuck off' attitude when I was in high school. Sexism was a ideal that we hated but thought we had to accept. Thank god for the wisdom of age.
• Watching an episode of The Footy Show is proof that the Australian male is sorely lacking in anything intelligent. Billy Brownless is a gormless fool with NO clue about women or anything (then again he has a wife with 4 children between them-she probably has a few shots before sex and thinks of the cash he provides or at least I hope she does). Sam Newman - look up the word 'misogynist' in the dictionary and you'll find his picture there. He has no regard for women whatsoever. I don't know how Caroline Wilson does it-she will never respected for her thoughts and knowledge regarding football simply because she is a woman. I hate that any woman with any football knowledge is feared and shunned or she is treated like one of the boys.
• I also hate it when a girl is a bit wild, a bit out there,that a man(of any nationality) thinks they have the right to mistreat them. Porno speak,slapping,biting etc is not acceptable unless of course the woman has asked for it. Take her lead and respect her. Even if it's a one night stand, there are rules. Same goes for meeting someone on line- unless she has invited it, sleazy talk is a no go -again-unless she has invited it. Consensual sleazy chat is fine.

Okay menfolk, before you start burning dog poo on my doorstep, I don't mean all of you. I am not a man basher. I love men and I know many Australian guys who do not fit the mold of what I have said thus far. However, I feel that I can speak generally in regards to my experience.

A few pointers lads- if you're interested.

• When you see a girl in a bar,pub etc that takes your fancy, approach her and say hello. Ask her her name, how her night is. Don't go up and offer to buy her a drink- first thought a girl has is drink spiking or 'he's trying to get me drunk and have his way with me'. Sorry guys-sad but true. The mongrels of this world have made it hard for the nice guys (and they do exist-the nice guys that is).
• Nothing wrong with wanting a one night stand but make sure it's right for both parties. Be respectful and yes,this works both ways. If she makes YOU feel uncomfortable- tell her or leave. Don't exchange numbers,etc if you don't want to go there again. Be honest and say you just wanted this night of fun and that's it. If she cracks it, it's her problem-not your's.
• Safe sex. Needs to be said. Don't assume someone is safe just because they say so. No glove,no love.
• If you do exchange numbers, answer texts or calls if she contacts you. Again,works both ways.
• Try new things. Even dancing. Don't use the 'I've got 2 left feet' line if you've never danced before. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You might surprise yourself.

These are my thoughts and feelings- I don't profess to be right but it's something I've been thinking about and thought 'what the hell, blog it out'.

Opinions are good. Don't hate me for it. The Milonguita has spoken.

Conundrum

Call me elitist but I don't think I like the idea of a Ramones/Quiksilver merger. Saw this as I got off the tram yesterday; Hey Ho... let's not go. Jetty Surf and the Ramones taste clumsy on my palate. Joey would be turning in his grave. However, Dee Dee would be grateful for the extra money for smack- if he hadn't already OD'd.

Why I Am Single

Okay, talking about being single is probably been done to death. It's almost become 'trendy to be tragic'. However, I need to blog this one out. Think of it as therapy without the exorbitant cost and it saves me from having to trek out to Medicare to claim my rebate. There's no other way to state it- I am a loser magnet. The flotsam and jetsam of losers float by and are snared in my pathetic net. I have run the gamut. I've gone the full spectrum of them all. After much thought and deliberation there was only one thing to do - opt out. After years of cheaters,loners,tight wads,bong smokers,wankers,non communicators,dickheads,insecurity,hypocrisy and god knows what else, I decided the only thing to do is be alone. Life is too short or very long to spend it with a succession of twats. My problem is, I am chronically misunderstood. I never meet anyone who wants the whole ME. I am 41. I've never been married and don't have any children. Therefore men think of me as someone to have sex with and have no commitment to because older women do that apparently. We don't have a soul or feelings for that matter. All we are are tits, arse and vagina. Brain? Heart? Soul? What are they? How dare we demand respect and attention? We are all just big sluts who fuck and run. None of them think for a minute that life for us is hard - that we are sensitive to the fact that we are stereo typed. None stop to think and wonder if we spend hours unable to move with depression on the couch, that we cry tears of hurt and despair. Whenever I read or hear men interviewed about what they want in a woman and the response is "someone who is just herself" I feel like hunting them down and beating them to death with a cricket bat. LIARS!!! I am quite a feminine creature. I love my red lippy, French perfume, pin up girl style dressing, strappy shoes, yadda yadda yadda. I also love AFL footy, beer drinking and the cricket. Men do not like that - it threatens them. They don't like when females encroach on a society that is in their minds exclusively for males. (Except for Andy D,who loves the fact that I'm a footy feral and can almost drink him under the table). I remember a guy a few years ago that I thought was nice person and I used to have conversations about the footy. He was impressed that I remember the footy from the Seventies and players from back then. He also used to make passes at me but because he was the ex of someone I once knew, I gave him a wide berth. One night after a skinful, I was feeling rather amorous and he just happened to be out at the club I was at so thought I'd cash in on him always wanted to 'have his way with me'. So after plucking up the (dutch) courage to ask him home, his response was that he felt threatened by me because not only did I know a lot about modern day footy, I remembered the old days and I knew so much about lots of other things and that made him feel insecure and therefore couldn't go home with me. I didn't know what to say so I turned on my drunken heel and went home without saying goodbye. Then there was this guy James who was into Rockabilly. He seemed great at first but then he slowly started to reveal his weird side. The last time I saw him his mood changed every 3 minutes from horrible to soft and vunerable. I'd never had sex with him and at one point he said something about not being able to decide if he wanted to have sex with me or not so he unzipped one of the pockets in the sleeve of his leather jacket and produced a set of dice. He then said aloud "Will I ever have sex with MM?" He rolled the dice and it was a seven in which he then proclaimed "Yes". Then he said "Will it progress to anything more?" . He rolled again and got a double one and said "No",then picked up the dice, held them up to my face between his thumb and forefinger and said "It's snake eyes....and snake eyes never lies." All I could think was "Oh my God is this my life?" and I couldn't wait for him to get the fuck out of my house! Thankfully he left soon after and I didn't see him again. Sadly, there a quite a few stories like this (although dice were not rolled to foretell our futures together) so for now, I find love in other things which have stood and will stand the test of time. My wonderful friends, tango, slobbing on the couch watching bad telly, an afternoon on the green playing bowls and drinking beers and Sunday arvos down at the Spready trying to win drink cards at Trivia. I no longer wish to pursue 'romance' or whatever it is. It is known as 'bullshit' in my book at the moment but if someone worthy comes along, I will give it a go. Just don't be surprised if you roll the dice and I suddenly disappear....