Friday, June 29, 2007

Nobody Loves You When You're Down and Out

I'm having a weird day. I woke up this morning with full make up on and my contacts still in on the couch where I passed out last night. I got all gussied up and went to see the Nekromantix only to find the fuckers sold out and I had to turn my purdy self around and come home! Next time, get a bloody ticket on time MM!! I scraped off my make up, got dressed and went out to the local Salvos to indulge in one of my favourite passions when I have the time- op shopping. For a shop that large they sure had a lot of shit. I managed to find a very cool pair of shoes in my size and a fun handbag which set me back $15.. On the way home, a sense of melancholy set in. I came home and had a huge cry. I still feel a bit crappy and emotional. Life is changing and moving on. I've come to the realisation that my nearest and dearest aren't my nearest and dearest anymore. I make the effort as you do to contact them and try to get together but lately, no one has made that particular effort for me. All my friends are in coupledom and hey guess who isn't and never is? Me!! I usually play the martyr and do the 'what have I done wrong' 'what can I do to make it all right' crap and I can't do it anymore. I just want to accept that people move on and that I don't fit into anyone's mold. I never have and I don't think I ever will. I've always been like oil in water or the proverbial square peg. And that suits me fine. The more I accept these facts, the more I feel comfortable in my own skin and the happier I feel. I still love those girls and I'm ready to let go and let them move on. I too long for a man to couple with but as I've reported in many a blog- I want to find the right man as my girls have done. Sometimes I feel like I've burnt out my man karma by the shag fests I went on a few years back and this period of forced celibacy is my penance. Who knows? The universe needs to be balanced- it's the law of nature. You take and you have to give back. I didn't write the rules- they just are. I am in a deep and lonely hole at the moment. I feel like I have no one to turn to except this blog. I know I'm a good person and I have a lot to give. I just don't have the credentials and the kudos that people expect you to have. For better or worse- I am who I am. You can either like me or lump me. Looks like the menfolk lump me a lot! Sometimes I just wish to meet someone lovely to spend even a weekend with. Someone who'll kiss and hold me. Someone to make me feel like a sexy woman again. To feel like a sexual being. To be told I'm beautiful. To feel generally wanted by a man. I know this makes me sound pathetic but I don't care. So as I type away, tears rolling down my face- I still have no real answer as to what I'm going to do. Tonight,I'm going to dinner with David,Di and Sabrina as Sabrina is moving back to Sydney. I will miss her. At least I she's not far away and I can see her when I'm up in Sydney next. Tomorrow is our Cinema Exotica night at Tiki which should be a cracker of a night. I'm looking forward to dressing up and having a great time. I'm so hoping with everything I am that we get lots of people through the door. Thanks for stopping by and reading this tale of woe and blah...

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