What's A Girl To Do?

I've been listening to lots of Vince Jones this week. His 'Tell Me A Secret' album has been my best friend and comfort. One of the songs on the album is a beautiful track called 'I've Never Been In Love Before' and I realised that like Vince's tune, I haven't. I've thought about what I've been doing in my 'relationships' with men and I don't think it was love. I once wrote a blog called 'Why I Am Single' but I think it goes a lot deeper than just meeting losers and trying to have relationships with them. It really says a lot about me and the state of my psyche of how it was at the time. I made a pledge to myself to stop being interested in men who give me a nod just because they have a pulse. I decided to not let myself be abused and to demand respect. I decided to look deeper and not forgive things I hate in order not to be alone. I decided not to make myself so available, to try and leave a bit of mystery. I decided not to blame past events and experiences on people - generally they come with their own sets of problems and neurosis' so I should judge their freakishness individually. Strangly enough, since making this pledge to myself, I've been frightfully single. So single that if someone doesn't come my way soon, my next move is to purchase 2 sari's, a bucket and a one way ticket to Calcutta. My major thoughts have been regarding how one meets someone and how they go about getting them? It's not like buying an iPod or new shoes, you can't just say 'I'm going to go out and get a relationship that works this week'. If only it were that simple. My friends were talking about methods that one should employ when seeking out to procure one of the opposite sex. This made me feel rather frustrated. Why can't you just show or tell someone that you're really interested and that you like them? That you want the opportunity to go on that nerve racking,dorky feeling first date with them. That at the end of the night when it has hopefully gone really well you have the end of the night first kiss. That you want to have night's in on a Saturday, making a dinner from items bought at the market that day, sharing a bottle or three of red and watching a movie on the couch. Or weekends in shagging each other senseless? What are the stakes? Why must we play such stupid games? Maybe it's just me... perhaps nobody is in the market for a 40 something, slightly eccentric girl who is loud and a bit uncouth. I may be a bit difficult to catogorise but it doesn't mean I should be forgotton all together. Anyone out there relating to any of this? I'm just trying to have faith that there is someone out there who will scratch my surface and realise there's a lot more to me than what you see. I'm not lonely in life and I'm definatly not alone. I just think it's time to couple up. Bring it on.